I’m apparently in my “survived 2 3/4 years of cancer treatment and immediately accepted several unpaid management positions” era.

I thought I was taking time to heal, but instead what I did is enable my trauma response to keep myself insanely busy and honestly I’m about to combust. Anyone else do this?

I’m taking a minute to re-evaluate. This isn’t what I want to be doing.

For 2 3/4 years (the 3/4 is important) my life has been largely dictated by cancer. Appointments, treatment, transplants, recovery, tests, waiting, surviving. This summer was no different. I had a myriad of tests go wonky. On August 25th I had a DLI (donor lymphocyte infusion) to treat that situation. Hear me, I AM FINE. I have not relapsed, my team is just doing their job which is keeping me FROM relapse.

But my God, the next day I was hitting the ground running- like it never happened.

Why? Well, because largely since this summer I’ve been able to choose things again and I seem to have responded by choosing EVERYTHING.

I genuinely want to be involved with my kids and make memories with them, being useful and busy feels SO DAMN GOOD after not having control for so long. I’m trying to figure out what life after survival is supposed to look like.

Now I’m having a midlife crisis. I don’t feel like I’m engaging in a life well-lived. I’m driven by the memories of some really fantastic folks who lived their life well to the very end. I want to honor their memory by living a life full of purpose.

and today stuffing manilla envelopes didn’t feel right.

What do I want this life I fought so hard for to actually feel like?

I guess I’ll be sitting with that one for a while.

Thanks for coming to my emotional breakdown TedTalk.

-Danielle