I’m exhausted. Every parent is exhausted. Exhausted is baseline once you’re responsible for someone other than yourself. Their lack of sleep becomes yours, their lack of peace becomes yours, their sickness becomes yours.

All of these things are true even for the most well-balanced parent/family. Not to anyone’s surprise, my family isn’t well balanced right now. I am an inconsistent caregiver and for my children this is most traumatic thing they’ve ever dealt with.

I cope with my cancer diagnosis and treatment with a bit of stubbornness and denial. In my mind if I’m still performing normal daily routines (getting out of bed, making dinner, caring for children, going to the gym) then I’m fine. In my mind, that means “I’m winning. I’m not letting it define my life.”

My children however are not coping that way and I shamefully admit, I expected them too. If I kept their routines the same, their activities the same and their environment the same then “they’re fine, we’re winning. We’re not letting it define our life.” This is so unequivocally false. Their increase in behavior has been extremely triggering to me because every time they act out I am reminded that in all actuality things are not normal, fine and ok. And I’ve been trying really hard to be normal.

When my 7 year old shows defiant behavior = I’m failing, I’m losing, he’s not ok

When my 4 year old refuses all her extra curricular activities that up to 2 months ago she loved = I’m failing, I’m losing, she’s not ok

When my 2 year old only wants me to tuck her in at night and refuses others= I’m failing, I’m losing, she’s not ok

Admittedly I haven’t had enough grace and patience to understand that even though I may be coping well because of my experience, they may not be because they haven’t had that experience yet and I haven’t taken the time to teach them. Life hasn’t had the time to show them what we all hope and believe, that eventually I will be ok. While we are in fact connected to our children, they are their own little people. I cannot control their behavior, thoughts or feelings. I can only control mine and again admittedly, I’ve not been handling that part well.

Babies, please forgive your mama. Oh God, please equip me.

As a wise and beautiful friend shared with me this week, right now time with me is their prize. After a particularly hard week, I laid on the floor and watched Bluey with my eldest two. (this was a treat because I’m strict about screens) They were calm, regulated and joyful. It was opposite of what I’ve seen from them this week when I pushed them too much and tried too hard to be something that we’re just not…normal.

Thanks for listening and being a part of my healing journey,

Danielle