I’m living in constant contradiction right now trying to find my most authentic self. I’m sick but also not. I’m healthy but also not. I have to parent like I’m not going through cancer treatments and I have prioritize myself and health like I’m not a parent. WOOF

Emotions flood me like a tidal wave. Often I find myself having to breathe through tough moments.

This round I began interacting with my outside environment with my billboard head. As documented in a previous post, my hair is gone. The official swag of “Look! I have cancer” has arrived and if I leave the house in only a beanie, the world knows it. The cashier knows it. The stranger knows it.

Let me be clear I am in no way ashamed of my bald head. Orangetheory sees it every day. My kids ask to rub it all the time and Emily(2) kisses it every night before bed. I would never be ashamed of that. However, I wanted to create fun in the environments where I’m not surrounded by my people, because WHY NOT. Colorful wigs in public has been that answer.

I can handle the looks of amusement, curiosity, joy, confusion, annoyance (yes, I see the moms who roll their eyes at me) when I wear wacky colors. I’m not trying to fool anyone, they are all CLEARLY wigs. What I can’t handle is pity. Unfortunately the bald baby look on a 36 yr old evokes pity and in a vulnerable admission, I cannot survive like that. It’s inauthentic to who I am but most importantly to who God says I am.

I have a couple “normal” wigs for when I feel it’s most important to go incognito. (school plays, weddings, baby showers etc.) But even wearing those all the time feels inauthentic. Wearing the fun colors to match whatever vibe i’m trying to achieve for the day brings out a side of me I didn’t know needed nurturing.

So if you see me in the school cafeteria, drop off/pickup, the park or Costco rocking the rainbow hair please say hello. I’m making the choice to not be invisible. I’d even challenge you to buy one for yourself and see how it feels. We can build resiliency together.

Next Chemo: March 4

Thank you for being a part of my healing journey

Danielle

**Author’s note: I will 100% reenact Britney’s iconic umbrella attack of 2007 if asked.